Grow Through It

BREAKFAST

A recent conversation with an old friend inspired me to share some thoughts on single life. Until last spring, I had not truly been single since Fall Out Boy and Xanga were cool. For those of you too young (or old) to get those references, I have had one relationship after another since 2003!

If you’re wondering, breakups still suck! I’m not jamming Kelly Clarkson’s Since U Been Gone while writing this. And I won’t ever sugarcoat lost love because that’s simply not the way my heart works. But I can accept relationships and friendships coming to a close as a necessary learning experience we have to GROW through.

I have not always put my best foot forward in relationships. I can admit that when things got too difficult, I stopped trying. There are a plethora of explanations for my past behavior, but they are exactly that, past. One of the most important things I have taken away from those years is the knowledge that I have some ugly patterns, much like my drinking habits, I’d rather not bring into my future! *Spoiler* I don’t have a crystal ball. I can’t promise I will never drink again, I also can’t promise I won’t repeat those ugly patterns, but I can certainly try to avoid that girl from resurfacing.

Now that I’ve had time to grow and get to know myself, I see what I can and absolutely WILL bring to the table when I meet someone worthy of my weirdness. And I’m pleased to announce, I finally understand why so many people encouraged me to be alone and take time for myself. When I’m sad, lonely, anxious or angry, I depend on myself and God. That’s it.

I no longer hurl those tough feelings at someone like a basketball in hopes they will take it and run towards the goal for me. But I know that the person worthy of my love, will always be on my team, and call for me to pass them the ball when they see I need help. Aaaand apparently March Madness has taken over my brain?!?

So maybe you’re going through a breakup and beginning to navigate the open waters of singlehood. Or maybe you feel alone in a long-term relationship and you’re at a crossroads. Maybe you’re married and comfortable knowing you *hopefully* won’t ever be single again. And you could very well be none of the above!

I want you to STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING and think of someone you love.

It can be a parent, friend, boy/girlfriend, sibling, pet. Now think of ONE way you can continue growing in that relationship. How can you put your best foot forward, let them know you have their back and that you are on the same team? I believe, if we take the time to do this, we can strengthen our relationships and not lose sight of the importance of love. We can continue to grow together and not apart.

Facing Problems – My Bell’s Palsy Story

bells

How do you face your problems, when the problem is your face?

I have wanted to share my experience with facial paralysis (aka Bell’s Palsy) for a while now, and decided a video would be the best way to do so.

Warning: it is a long-ish video and I’m a novice at recording/editing, but I’m learning! 😉

Facebook Post 11/13/15:

I haven’t smiled in 15 days, but I am happy.

I had never heard the words “Bell” and “Palsy” used in a sentence together. Ironically, pronouncing “B’s,” and “P’s” is now close to impossible so explaining “I have Bell’s Palsy” seems like a cruel joke. Thanks, Mr. Bell!

This disorder occurs when the seventh cranial nerve (facial nerve that runs through the bone behind your ear) becomes inflamed or damaged, completely impairing all functions in one half of the face. In my case, the right side. PRAISE that at least it wasn’t my “good side”. If you’ve taken a picture with me, this should make you giggle. BP affects each individual differently. Some cases may disappear within a few weeks while others may last several years.

During this month of giving thanks, I have found myself caught somewhere between the deeply discouraging thoughts of my face never returning to its “normal state” and the sheer relief that this is not a life-threatening illness. I have allowed myself to feel the fear, pain, and sadness. After all, I am human, and a kind of vain one at that.

But I’ve come to the conclusion that my illness doesn’t have to define me. If anything, it seems as though life has provided me with a unique opportunity by magnifying several of my shortcomings: insecurity, doubt, impatience, pity…and revealing a more honest, beautiful self. My exterior may be temporarily altered, my circumstances changed, but I am still me. And I am much more than my face.

I hope I can create awareness for those living with Bell’s Palsy. It afflicts approximately 40,000 Americans each year. And although most people fully recover, the physical and emotional trauma that come along with the disorder can be debilitating. It takes empathy and understanding to get through the healing process. And for those people who do not fully recover, I hope for them a life of happiness, not shame.

Facebook Support Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/BellsPalsySupport/

If you have any additional questions please feel free to message me!

One More

running

I find it fascinating that a lot of recovering addicts, as well as people who live with mental health disorders, find a passion for running or working out. I’m aware there is scientific evidence that exercise activates the brain’s pleasure circuit (runner’s high), but I think I enjoy it so much because it’s the perfect mixture of meditation and (healthy) self-inflicted pain. In short, I have replaced a bad addiction with a good one. 

There are A LOT of parallels between my life and running.

1. The Voice: While intoxicated, I had this “voice” in my head that would scream, “one more…just ONE more drink!!” I rarely paused to debate with it. Now that I’m clean, sometimes I have to dig deep to hear the voice, but it urges me, “one more…just ONE more mile!!” During a particularly long, grueling run, I heard this voice and had the revelation that the personality trait that got me in trouble, now motivates me. The situation may be different, but I’m thankful that the voice is still just as persuasive as ever.

2. “I’m a Runner” (literally & figuratively): I typically laugh when I describe myself as a runner because it really is applicable in multiple areas of my life. Not only have I participated in sports and running from a young age, I also spent a good chunk of time running from my problems. *mentioned here*

3. Power of Accomplishments: When training for a race, there are some days I have a terrible run. Like, I can barely make it two miles and I’m scheduled to run six. My first reaction is to beat myself up. I have learned to pause and remind myself of the accomplishments I HAVE made – like 26.2 miles! I use my past accomplishments to encourage my future actions. Much like when I relapsed, I had the faith that I could pull myself back up, because I had done it before. While training for a marathon, you literally surprise yourself with each new milestone. The same goes for my sobriety – I am amazed at how far I have come and the strength I have to continue.

4. Crazy/Cool People: Whether it’s someone as “crazy” as you to train and complete 26.2 miles, or someone “crazy” to compare past stories with, there are some very cool people in both running and recovery circles. I love relating to people, especially the “crazy” ones!

5. Comfort in Connecting: When I run, I connect. Each time my feet hit the pavement, each squirrel I have to hurdle over, I’m reminded what a blessing it is to be alive. Running helps me reflect on the things going RIGHT in my life, as well as process the wrong. I thank God for giving me legs, the ability to move, lungs to breath, fresh air and a space to stretch, move, and grow. I feel this same gratitude, daily, since becoming alcohol-free. I’m happy every morning I don’t wake up hungover because I know I will be much more connected with my coworkers, friends, family, and in all areas of life.

6. Finding Your Pace: You’ve heard “life is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.” I used to think running meant going out and hitting your PR (personal record) every workout (run a fast mile and be done.) Since I’ve had years of experience training for half and full marathons, I know that is not the mindset to have when tackling these distances. You must be patient and find a pace that helps you endure the test of time. The same goes for sobriety. If you are working toward a goal or removing something from your life, finding your balance is key. There will be times the road gets hilly, you will be faced with challenges, but you have to remind yourself that if you push through the temporary pain, the end accomplishment is forever!

Running is one of my healthy addictions. Now that I am more in touch with my “all or nothing” personality, running makes perfect sense. I started with 5k’s and gradually kept tacking on “ONE MORE MILE,” until I realized I was capable of completing a full marathon. Again, nothing worth having comes easy, but I found an intense joy in pushing my body to new limits and celebrating the milestones along the way. I am constantly surprising myself at how strong I am in both running and living each day without alcohol.

Maybe running isn’t your thing, but if you are working to eliminate the toxic in your life, I encourage you to find a hobby, sport, or mantra. The positive shift in energy will keep you moving forward and increase your gratitude for your body, mind and soul.